Due to his immense popularity in Pakistan, Ian Fleming’s James Bond has a Pakistani counterpart. Following is a brief extract pf the final moments from the film currently under development:
Jutt Studios presents:
James Bhand 007 (pronounced zero zero say-when)
The Spy who Hugged me
Starring Multan Sahi as James Bhand
Meena Malik as Heroin
Ali Gul Teer as Villain
The scene begins with James Bhand clad in a bright red tuxedo but instead of pants he is wearing a dhoti (Pictured below), sneaking up on the Villain who is seated on a table having finished eating but is engrossed in removing something from his mouth.
JB: Bus kar juttay-a, out your hands up oye! (Points gun at the villain who has still not managed to remove the food stuck in his mouth
Villain(not turning around replying dismissively): In a minute, I’ve got some chicken karahi stuck in my teeth. Who are you anyway?
JB:(Standing fully straight thrusting his chest out staring at 6 inches to the left of the camera) The name’s Bhand, James Bhand oye! 0 0 7 (draws these digits in the air while pronouncing as written above)
V: You can’t be Bhand, I sent Bhand to be electrocuted in my famous, dangerous ‘Bijli Chair'(Gets up and backs away from Bhand)
JB: (Smiling) AAhhhhh, but I use my wits to get out of the chair and now, nobody can save you oye!(starts walking towards Villain)
V: Aik minute, I want to know before I die, you’re not so smart, did you survive the Bijli Chair or was there loadshedding
JB: (smirks) What do you think
V: Damn you WAPDA!(a woman approaches JB from behind, noting her Villain’s expression changes from fear to menacing as Heroin cocks a blow dryer to JB’s head) Anyway, you can’t survive, Heroin is standing right behind you holding a gun to your head.
JB:(face is expressionless) Heroin cannot do this to me oye! Heroin is a double spy oye! She spied on you while pretending to spy on me and secretly giving all intel on you including that rash on your backside oye!
V: That’s not intel, that’s just gossip, Heroin how could you?
H(giggling): That was so juicy na I had to tells the someone
JB: Enough Oye!! Nobody spies on 0 0 7 (draws numbers in the air) Bhand spies on everyone oye! It isn’t very difficult to spy on Bhand, it’s impossibe oye!
V: Are you ripping off Don?
JB: Shut up oye! that was in hindi this is in English big difference! As I was saying Bhand spies on everyone oye! Besides I hugged Heroin in the khaits of Punjab and did a silly dance with her on a song forced into this film as there was no room for it in Nanna Jutt. Heroin was in fact the spy who hugged me!
H: (drops blow dryer, whispers) Bhand… is it in the … possible?
JB: That’s why we had a song together oye!
V: Enough, Bhand you’ll never catch me alive (runs away)
JB: That is such a cliche oye
V (pops his head back in the screen) Well it’s a cliche to call it a cliche
H: Bhand.. He’s getting away. Get him after in the, I will open the doors of the window jump after him!
JB: I’ll get him in the next film, right now, all I want is the spy who hugged me oye!
H: Oooh I like the sound of that. say it again (moves closer to Bhand and whispers softly) in the
JB: I can’t, we don’t have enough film left.
The Director walks in yells cut, the screen goes blank
JB: see I told you!