James Bhand (A Pakistani version of the world’s most famous secret agent James Bond)

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Due to his immense popularity in Pakistan, Ian Fleming’s James Bond has a Pakistani counterpart. Following is a brief extract  pf the final moments from the film currently under development:

Jutt Studios presents:

James Bhand 007 (pronounced zero zero say-when)

in:

The Spy who Hugged me

Starring Multan Sahi as James Bhand

Meena Malik as Heroin

Ali Gul Teer as Villain

The scene begins with James Bhand clad in a bright red tuxedo but instead of pants he is wearing a dhoti (Pictured below), sneaking up on the Villain who is seated on a table having finished eating but is engrossed in removing something from his mouth.

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JB: Bus kar juttay-a, out your hands up oye! (Points gun at the villain who has still not managed to remove the food stuck in his mouth

Villain(not turning around replying dismissively): In a minute, I’ve got some chicken karahi stuck in my teeth. Who are you anyway?

JB:(Standing fully straight thrusting his chest out staring at 6 inches to the left of the camera) The name’s Bhand, James Bhand oye!  0 0 7 (draws these digits in the air while pronouncing as written above)

V: You can’t be Bhand, I sent Bhand to be electrocuted in my famous, dangerous ‘Bijli Chair'(Gets up and backs away from Bhand)

JB: (Smiling) AAhhhhh, but I use my wits to get out of the chair and now, nobody can save you oye!(starts walking towards Villain)

V: Aik minute, I want to know before I die, you’re not so smart, did you survive the Bijli Chair or was there loadshedding

JB: (smirks) What do you think

V: Damn you WAPDA!(a woman approaches JB from behind, noting her Villain’s expression changes from fear to menacing as Heroin cocks a blow dryer to JB’s head) Anyway, you can’t survive, Heroin is standing right behind you holding a gun to your head.

JB:(face is expressionless) Heroin cannot do this to me oye! Heroin is a double spy oye! She spied on you while pretending to spy on me and secretly giving all intel on you including that rash on your backside oye!

V: That’s not intel, that’s just gossip, Heroin how could you?

H(giggling): That was so juicy na I had to tells the someone

JB: Enough Oye!! Nobody spies on 0 0 7 (draws numbers in the air) Bhand spies on everyone oye! It isn’t very difficult to spy on Bhand, it’s impossibe oye!

V: Are you ripping off Don?

JB: Shut up oye! that was in hindi this is in English big difference! As I was saying  Bhand spies on everyone oye! Besides I hugged Heroin in the khaits of Punjab and did a silly dance with her on a song forced into this film as there was no room for it in Nanna Jutt. Heroin was in fact the spy who hugged me!

H: (drops blow dryer, whispers) Bhand… is it in the … possible?

JB: That’s why we had a song together oye!

V: Enough, Bhand you’ll never catch me alive (runs away)

JB: That is such a cliche oye

V (pops his head back in the screen) Well it’s a cliche to call it a cliche

H: Bhand.. He’s getting away. Get him after in the, I will open the doors of the window jump after him!

JB: I’ll get him in the next film, right now, all I want is the spy who hugged me oye!

H: Oooh I like the sound of that. say it again (moves closer to Bhand and whispers softly) in the

JB: I can’t, we don’t have enough film left.

The Director walks in yells cut, the screen goes blank

JB: see I told you!

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