The following is a work of fiction, none of this actually happened.
The conversation below happened in Urdu, it has been translated for the reader’s benefit.
“Han Bhai, how are you?”
“Fine you know the usual, don’t have a lot of time to talk”
“So I know, you’re always so busy. Bought the car yet?”
“No time, going to get one around new years”
“So the professor’s gonna give you one?”
“No, for the last time Ehtisham, I am not doing anything with the professor. If you can’t say anything good don’t say anything at all. For your information the professor’s a he”
There was a chortle “I rest my case. How else can you explain the good grades, scholarship and now the car?”
“hard work for the first 2 and financial aid from baba?”
“you’re not fooling anyone, you can’t get a decent car for. 5000 dollars in Pakistan, how can you get a decent car in the US? I asked around my friend, a decent trouble free car would cost you atleast 8000 and that’s only if the seller’s an idiot, impatient, in huge debt or broke. I’d say you have pretty good chance of finding a seller, but if you had 3000 more.”
“You know what? Shut up!”
“So when are u coming back?”
“you’re talking like the president’s bending over in front of you with a green stuck between his cheeks with your name on it. All you’ve got to do is blast thing out of his ass using some technical crap and voila you’re a US citizen and you can finally blow it out of your ass and lose that constipated look you wear all the time”
“You know what go blast things out of your own ass! Good bye!”
The above conversation was recorded on the 5th of September at 0800 hours, a conversation between two brothers an Ehtisham Khan based in Karachi, Pakistan and Farhan Khan a Newark State university Doctorate candidate studying robotics.
On hearing the keywords “blast”and US used twice (both had been said in English) The Rapid American Polytechnic Emigrants Department (RAPED) for short was recording this conversation. On hearing the key words, senior officer John McCain forwarded the recording to his language department immediately requesting an immediate translation along with the translator’s assessment of the conversation. Fifteen minutes later RAPED translator Ranbeer Malhotra limped into John’s cabin with a huge smile on his face.
“Why are you walking like that? That’s not how RAPED officers walk.”
“Sorry John, I twisted my ankle”
“So whats your assessment?”
“John its harmless, it’s just funny banter between two brothers where one really owns the other. No need to send a RAPED team to pick the guy up. You know how Director Query says how each trip costs $15000 at least with the private jet and all.”
“It’s my job to investigate every potential threat to my country as a neutral observer, and your integrity is compromised they’re your neighbours.”
“My neighbours? John they’re Pakistani? I’m Indian we’re like sworn enemies. We’ve fought like a million wars or something.”
“A personal vendetta, eh Ranbeer? Trying to edge me out so you can claim all the glory and get the satisfaction of revenge? No, my brown friend, no. I’m handling this personally. You can come as well.”
John picked up the phone and called his IT specialist- Moss
A bored voice picked up a phone and a nasal British guy spoke”Hello IT have you tr-”
“Moss it’s me, U got a job for you. Can you look up a guy for me. A Farhan Khan. Could you-”
In the background you could hear the keys of the keyboard being drummed with a micro second pauses for spaces and enters
“Already done boss, nothing special to report. Farhan’s squeaky clean. His Facebook is pretty much inactive, emails Are clean to with the occasional dirty one from his brother Ehtisham, that kid got quite a mouth. Nothing else except wait- hello what’s this? He’s got a separate profile for his UNi friends. So smart should have done that, now my mom keeps calling me up every time I reject her candy crush requests.”
“Moss focus! Anything unusual”
“yeah this guy needs to update his dp its like so old. Apart from that nothing much – activity logs show he logs in a few times a week, he doesn’t even stalk anyone, poor guy.”
“See John I told you-”
John put his hand up to silence Ranbeer “Moss can you tell me if he’s gay or not?”
“Well lets see he’s from Pakistan, no sign of any feminism in his likes or his subscriptions only engineering magazines, that’s odd no mention of cricket anywhere. That’s a first, a guy from Pakistan not liking cricket.”
“I knew it, this guy is gay. See he’s overcompensating his lack of interest in sports with other macho things. Moss is his professor a guy? Can you look him up as well?”
“Already done boss, damn he’s got a hot wife. I don’t think his teachers gay. Wow his emails full of subscriptions to dirty sites. There are a few even I’ve never heard of. Nope sir he’s not gay, but he did get rejected from the department of defence on a research project 25 years ago.”
“See John you can let it go. No one’s gay now let’s see something else. We’ve already wasted the entire morning on this crap.”
“Ranbeer no. We have the proof don’t you see? You’re just an Fresh of the Boat translator, you don’t know our ways. You see the professor and his lover boy are planning an attack on the whitehouse and I think they’re going to launch an attack on the president’s ass!”
“First if all John I’m a 3rd generation American with a degree in American cultural history, I know the culture here more than you, you’re just the trigger happy cop who destroys entire cities that no city is now willing to give you even a desk job, the one you have now is the result of 6 months you spent begging director Query to get you a job.
Secondly, how did the president’s ass come into play?”
“Didn’t you here the recording? It’s got to be some gross gay humour, I don’t know man. I’m gonna go and check it out. Newark here we come. Moss get ready and Ranbeer we might need you for interpretation.”
Ranbeer grudgingly got up and went to get ready.
In Newark, the RAPED trio with help
from the local police got the two suspects for interrogation in separate rooms.
John went to Farhan first. He stormed in the room and grabbed him by the collar “All right where is it? When are you guys going to do it?”
Farhan’s lower lip quivered and he started weeping
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. It was just one paragraph that was plagiarism the rest of the thesis was original, I swear! I swear! Please don’t hurt me.”
“What are you talking about?”
“nothing, I don’t know nothing.” Farhan replied wiping the tears from his eyes.
“Where’s the weapon that you’re going to attack the president with?”
Farhan looked tense for a couple of seconds and then relaxed letting a sigh of relief.
“You might wanna leave the room,” Farhan said “It’s in your best interests”
“are you threatening me?” John asked
“I threaten you, I interrogate you, I make the deals, I do the-” John paused as a most dreadful smell filled his nostrils.
“Oh my god! You’ve got the weapon on you. You’re using bio weapons! I’m do going to get promoted for this, but first I gotta get everyone outta here!”
“Relax John,that was just the spicy sprouts I had for breakfast. Don’t say I didn’t warn you! I’m telling you my friend I have done nothing wrong,I don’t even get the time to sleep properly how can I plan a terrorist attack?”
“But you and your professor are lovers and the professor wants to avenge his rejection from the department of defence and you come from a terrorist country!”
“me and the professor lovers? Please! have you seen his wife? Besides I don’t like to admit it, but ummm I’m not a man- yet. My wedding is next summer. You wanna be sure of this? Just verify this by shaking both my hands and you’ll know for sure!”
John shook both of Farhan’s hands and his nodded and then offered his own hands for Farhan to feel
“I’m kinda going through a dry spell myself.” John smiled
“So I’m free to go?”
John opened Farhan’s cuffs and nodded.
As John escorted Farhan out of the station, he signalled to Moss to do the same for the professor. The professor came out of the room understandingly agitated with a smug Ranbeer behind him.
“you’ll be hearing from me!” the professor yelled at John
“Just smile and wave boys, smile and wave!” John said as the two detainees stopped a cab.
The Professor of Newark university along with Farhan successfully sued the RAPED department with the court awarding the teacher and the student $1million and $200k respectively.
Farhan got a new car that christmas, it was brand new.
John got fired from his job and Director Query made John deliver the settlement cheques personally with a note saying that the Newark University could use John as a live model for a colonoscopy seminar.
Ranbeer left RAPED, he now teaches American cultural history at Newark university.
Feedback is always welcome